marriage advice

I’ve been ignoring it for months—this diamond that’s lost its sparkle. One of 12 small stones that encircle the diamond at the center of my engagement ring, this particular little diamond doesn’t shine like the others.

For a while, I assumed my ring just needed a good cleaning. Surely there was some debris or build-up caught in the setting that was preventing the light from shining through—dimming the diamond’s brilliance. But the professional cleaning only made the dull diamond stand out starkly against its radiant neighbors.

As I handed the ring back to the cleaner to have him examine the stone under his jeweler’s loupe, I knew there must be something wrong.

“Hmm,” he murmured as he rotated the ring under the light of his lamp. “Yes, the diamond is definitely chipped.”

My stomach sank. “But how?”

“See right here?” He handed the ring back to me. “I can even see it just with my own eyes. Right here.” He pointed to the spot where the diamond had chipped, just below the surface. “Diamonds are very hard substances, but sometimes if you hit them just at the right spot…”

“I can’t believe it. I’ve only had it two years.”

“It happens, and it’s more common than you’d think,” he said, clearly trying to ease the guilt I was feeling right then. “Because it’s chipped down here, the light isn’t getting through, and the diamond has lost its brilliance.”

He gave me a quote to replace the diamond and assured me he could have it back to me within a few days. I thanked him for his time and said I’d get back to him.

As I left the shop and stepped out into the light, all I could see was this diamond that wouldn’t sparkle. A diamond without its brilliance.

Some might call this pessimism. Why focus on what’s wrong? Why not just focus on the beauty of the other diamonds? But I see it as optimism. Why leave something broken when it can be repaired? Why not bring this beautiful ring back to wholeness?

This ring still brings me joy whenever it catches my eye. As a symbol of James’ love and commitment to me and a sign of our covenant, it’s a comfort to me when things feel difficult in our marriage.

As a piece of my family history—the center stone belonged to my grandmother, a remnant from a rejected suitor—this ring has new life on my hand and reminds me how God redeems our pasts.

And on top of all that, it is an undeniably beautiful ring. One worth fixing, cherishing, and protecting.

After our first month of marriage, I shared 6 things I’d learned in the 30 days since we said our vows, honeymooned in Mexico, packed up my house in San Francisco, and moved our lives to Los Angeles.

It’s okay if things don’t feel different right away.
You don’t have to do it the way everyone else does.
Protect yourself and your spouse.
You’re more selfish than you think.
You have to shed your old skin.
Marriage is for life.

Now 16 months into marriage—which feels like a minuscule amount of time compared with some of the model marriages in my life—I still stand by each of those statements. (Feel free to pause and go back to the original post if you like—see you in a few minutes!) Naturally, though, those truths have morphed a bit and become more solid for me.

It’s almost as though they were a little too faraway before, and now they’re coming closer to me—or vice versa—and I can see them more clearly. Like when you see a familiar face from faraway, someone you think you know, and as you bridge more of the distance between you, you recognize them for who they are.

That’s the first truth of marriage that I’d add to my list from above… Continue reading →