After our first month of marriage, I shared 6 things I’d learned in the 30 days since we said our vows, honeymooned in Mexico, packed up my house in San Francisco, and moved our lives to Los Angeles.

1. It’s okay if things don’t feel different right away.
2. You don’t have to do it the way everyone else does.
3. Protect yourself and your spouse.
4. You’re more selfish than you think.
5. You have to shed your old skin.
6. Marriage is for life.

Now 16 months into marriage—which feels like a minuscule amount of time compared with some of the model marriages in my life—I still stand by each of those statements. (Feel free to pause and go back to the original post if you like—see you in a few minutes!) Naturally, though, those truths have morphed a bit and become more solid for me.

It’s almost as though they were a little too faraway before, and now they’re coming closer to me—or vice versa—and I can see them more clearly. Like when you see a familiar face from faraway, someone you think you know, and as you bridge more of the distance between you, you recognize them for who they are.

That’s the first truth of marriage that I’d add to my list from above…

7. You’ll see things differently.

Yourself. Your spouse. And in a relatively short period of time, in fact…if you allow that change to happen. And trust me, there have definitely been times I tried to avoid seeing clearly. When confronted with my own selfishness (see #4 above) and straight-up sinfulness, I would hide away or run away…sometimes quite literally walking out the door and going for a very tense walk around the neighborhood.

It’s always so much better—seriously, 100% better—when I don’t hide. When I get vulnerable and let myself (and James) see the truth of my situation, whatever that might be. From my silly little frustrations to my very real struggle with hopelessness at times. James responds so much better to my vulnerability than to my ranting and raving about whatever thing has gotten me in such a state. And no wonder, when I’m vulnerable, I’m letting him in. When I’m furious, he’s on the outside and, unfortunately, taking the hits some times.

When we open up to each other, we have the opportunity to embrace each other and call out the good in each other. And, you guys, James is so good at that. Seriously, he is a gem. He’s helped me see myself through his eyes of love and grace. Even when I’m feeling incredibly down about how my body is changing over the years or how I don’t feel accomplished enough (there’s that word again!). And even when I’ve disappointed him. Because, um, that happens.

8. You will disappoint each other. But you will get over it.

I never thought I would be legitimately disappointed in James. He’s such a wonderful man that I thought surely any upsets in our marriage would be minor. Of course, that’s not the case because he’s a human being like me. We hurt each other, we disappoint each other, and we have to live with that. We’re in this marriage for life—and that’s a good thing because as I’ve shared previously, we need that time to grow, change, and sometimes to heal.

In the times of our greatest hurt, I’ve occasionally wondered if I’m up to the task of marriage. And, if I’m being honest, I suppose I’d recognize that no, I’m not. I’m not up to it. Not on my own. Because not only can I be hurt by the missed expectations, the miscommunication, the natural disappointments that come when you live every single day and night with a person….so can James. And that can be worse sometimes, can’t it? When we disappoint others, it’s a punch in the gut—especially for us people pleasers out there.

The great news—seriously, such great news—is that while we may not be up to the task, while we can’t handle the disappointment, God can. After all, he has loads of experience in disappointment. We do that with Him all the time. And yet, He teaches us how to love in the midst of disappointment, how to see the best in our people. And that’s #9 for me, folks.

9. Assume the best and forgive the rest.

We have a sign on the wall across from our bed that I see every morning and night. It reads: “Believe the best, forgive the rest, and say I love you.” Man, that advice solves so many issues in marriage. How many times have James and I been at odds with each other because we’ve believed the worst about each other or ourselves? Like when James is away on business and forgets to call one day, and I assume he’s forgotten about me. In truth, he’s just preoccupied with work, which I don’t love necessarily, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me! But I go there sometimes. We all do that, don’t we?

Increasingly, though, I want to elevate James. I want to encourage him and lift him up—not berate him for forgetting to call me to say goodnight. I want to assume the best and just let the rest go. I feel so much better when I do—when I don’t say that thing in my head that is seriously untrue—and so does he.

10. Connect. Connect. Connect.

As life has gotten busier over the last year in LA, we’ve had to put some serious margins in place. Just like I set aside time to work out every morning, I set aside time to connect with my spouse. That takes a lot of different forms depending on the week or the day. But one thing I try to do every day—and this comes from a dear friend’s mom who shared this at my bridal shower—is greet James when one of us arrives home from work or an errand. Instead of going straight into clean-up mode—or instead of staying in lounge mode on the couch if he’s the one arriving home last—I go to home, I kiss his sweet face, and I say I’m happy to see him. That little act goes a long way in making sure we feel connected versus just living parallel lives.

Also, we also have sex a lot more. And I think that’s incredibly important to talk about. I have some fabulous girlfriends who were very open about their marriages and how sex has played out for them over the years, and their candor and encouragement has influenced my perspective on sex in a really good way. My relationship with sex was a bit complicated when James and I first got married. Both because of my history in the church and my own choices in life, I was still hanging on to this feeling that sex is bad and dirty.

So I avoided it. But I knew that wasn’t healthy for us. And James, being the gracious and patient man that he is, never pushed. So in some ways it was up to me to choose “more.” In truth, the more that we’ve connected in other ways—on a walk together, talking over dinner, with a relaxing evening at home or out somewhere new—I’m been much more eager to connect physically too. James shaving his beard has helped too… (If you’re reading this, James, this is no surprise to you!)

That’s not to say that the situation has to be perfect to have sex, though. In fact, we’ve found that spontaneity has been much more beneficial. But it is totally okay to ask for what you need, so we’re both getting better at that.

And when it’s not great? We believe the best, forgive the rest, and say, “I love you.”

 

XO,

 

Photo cred goes to the amazingly talented crew at Photoflood Studio: Courtney Yee & Jackson Lo. We’re so grateful for our dream team!!