Putting Down Roots

“These are my gardening gloves,” my nephew Tate announced over FaceTime, holding up his colorful wrist-guards. “And these are my knee pads…and elbow pads!” he proclaimed, proudly showing me his blue camo protective gear. “Can’t take them outside, though, ‘cause it smells like barbecue.”

“Yeah, you’re right, buddy. Gotta wait until the air is better, huh?” I replied.

“Yeah!” he agreed. “Here, I’ll put on my gardening gloves. This one is the right hand,” he said solemnly, as he proceeded to place the glove on his left hand.

My sister Lisa, Tate’s mom, came to the rescue when he grew increasingly frustrated about the “gardening gloves” not fitting properly. I laughed on my end of the FaceTime call and wished I could be there with them, helping put on his knee pads and elbow pads, and keeping him engaged indoors while the air quality up in Northern California is just too terrible to be outside for long. 

Poor buddy, I thought. First school is cancelled, and now he can’t even go out to play for a little while. Of course, this time will pass (as fire season always does), and eventually our world will recover from this pandemic — although I suspect things will always look a little different. But this cooped-up cabin-fever feeling is no joke. For three-year-olds and thirty-somethings.

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Love (and Loss) in the Time of Coronavirus

It’s hard to know how to characterize this period of time we’re all living in. “These uncertain times”, “our new normal”, “this unprecedented time”, “the weirds.” That last one is my personal favorite (thanks, Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon!), although it doesn’t fully get at the intense grief and loss we’re all experiencing on some level.

This Harvard Business Review article — That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief — has made the rounds in the last month and helped kickstart some of the conversations about grief I’ve been hearing and participating in lately. In it, David Kessler says that “we’re feeling a number of different griefs…. The loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. This is hitting us and we’re grieving. Collectively. We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.”

I see this collective grief in the masks hanging from the dashboard of nearly every parked car I pass on my walks. A clear sign of how our world has changed. And of course, I see it in the eyes of my masked neighbors as I move to the street to give the space, while still waving and saying a muffled “hi” through my face covering — my attempt to establish some sense of the human connection I’m missing so much. The loss of jobs and lives hangs heavy in the air. We’re inundated with news and updates and statistics and it’s all just too much. But it’s real, and we’re faced with the choice of acknowledging our griefs so that we can actually live in them and through them. 

I’ve experienced grief at a personal level in many ways during the time of coronavirus. Grief over the trip to Europe that was canceled, the lost time with family, the lack of in-person connection with friends, and now the loss of work as I knew it.

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Fire Season

Southern California has had some crazy weather as of late. Intense gusts of wind and chilly days (read: in the 50s) followed by record-high temperatures. At work, the palm trees outside my window have been tossed about by the wind – leaving me in awe of how they can bend and flex without breaking.

But all this wind brings back memories of summer and fire season. That season of bloody noses and perpetually dry skin. Of brush fires and burning hills. Supposedly this is California’s “new normal,” and we’ve even introduced new phrases into our lexicon: “in the fire zone,” “forced blackouts.”

I’m incredibly thankful that James and I have never been in real danger, but this year we had our first real taste of fire season when the hill behind our house went up in flames. We’ve always said we’ll be okay if the hill catches fire because there are more important things to save (read: Warner Bros. and Universal Studios) before the fire would ever reach us. But that didn’t make the situation any less alarming.

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Worrying Away the Disappointment

Months have passed since I’ve written. Even now, I struggle to pick up my pen because 1) inertia, and 2) I’m wary of what I’ll find as words fills the pages of my notebook. I don’t dare pull out my laptop to type up something more formal and lasting. All I can do is sit here on this porch and let the words flow out of me, like a river, showing me the direction I should go.

I’m curled up in a rocking chair like a cat, soaking up the morning sun, letting it reinvigorate my tired bones. My knees are tucked up close to my chest, and my strong coffee rests on the table next to me. Twelve of my closest friends are still sleeping inside the large house here in the central valley in California. A few others have already snuck downstairs for coffee and eggs or have found their own silent spaces around the grounds to enjoy the morning before this afternoon’s festivities. Continue reading

Why It’s Okay to Drop the Ball

I woke with a splitting headache and deep dark circles beneath my eyes. Tugging the sleep mask back over my eyes, I longed to bury myself in the sheets and blankets and not come out for a good long while. But the pounding of my head forced me to seek out water. And coffee. And some Ibuprofen. Stat.

I had all the classic symptoms of a hangover. But too much bourbon wasn’t to blame. No, instead I had an emotional hangover.

My body was completing depleted – emotionally and physically – from crying for the better part of the previous evening. I’d alternated between sobbing into my husband’s shoulder and choking out a few words while he stroked my hair and tried to encourage me.

Unfortunately, this scenario wasn’t exactly a new experience for us. Since moving to LA, I’ve had plenty of sad moments. I’ve felt lost and lonely more days than I care to count. But this evening was different. Continue reading

When The Answer Is “Wait”

“Some days I actually feel okay.” My friend’s voice perked up on the other end of the line. “I feel like I’m going to get over him soon, and I’m happy, and it’s not so bad…” Her voice trailed off a bit. “And the next day, it just feels so hopeless, and I wonder, ‘What if this doesn’t get better for a long time?’”

I reassured her that her up-and-down thoughts were completely normal. In fact, she was expressing my current reality pretty darn perfectly. Except, instead of a breakup, I’ve been rocked by loss of a different kind: job, home, familiarity.

Life transitions have a way of shaking up your equilibrium like that, don’t they? They can make you feel like someone has suddenly cut the rope that tied your anchor down, and now you’re on a boat that you don’t know how to operate. The seas are having their way with you, and you feel like you’re at the mercy of whatever that day – that minute – has in store. Continue reading

The Best Gift I’ve Received This Christmas Season

“Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.”

We say that a lot around the office. Probably because we’re all a bunch of perfectionists brought together (strategically) for the common goal of creating something great. And we’re all constantly battling the desire to make something perfect – instead of just making something great.

Even with that statement, my bias reveals itself. Like so many others, I frequently buy into the idea that “great” is just that: great, but not perfect. And wouldn’t perfect be so much better?

Most companies are looking for people who won’t settle for less than the absolute best and who will work tirelessly to achieve greatness – both for the organization and for their own careers. And most people (if they’re honest) would really like perfect. Perfect is what many of us tell ourselves we should be.

And yet, perfection is an illusion because there’s always something more we can do, something better. We can never reach perfection, but we keep driving toward it, and that keeps us endlessly spinning and pushing and running. Continue reading

Thankful for the Thorns

No one imagined our Thanksgiving table talk would end in tears. As we went around the table sharing what we were each thankful for, we couldn’t have anticipated my sister and I would soon be standing in the kitchen, sobbing, holding each other close.

And yet, that’s exactly how this year’s Thanksgiving meal ended. With only scraps of turkey and stuffing and lingering bits of glazed carrots and mashed potatoes left on our plates, we all went around the table sharing the things, the people, the moments we were most grateful for.

We all had similar sentiments. We were grateful for family, for each other, for the new baby sleeping peacefully by my sister’s side – my beautiful nephew. And, in some ways, we were even grateful for the pain that had brought us this beauty. We recognized that the discomfort of the unknown was also bringing us exciting new challenges and opportunities we hadn’t even discovered yet. Continue reading

Getting Back to the Foundation

It was far too crowded on the train today. Between the hours of 5 and 6PM, Montgomery station is a mass of people, and today was exceptionally packed. As the N pulled up to the platform, I let the flow of the crowd carry me on to the train. I didn’t really have anywhere to be. I just wanted to get home. So, I thought skinny thoughts and squeezed myself between one very tall man and a shorter woman and her oversized bag.

I couldn’t reach one of the poles to hang onto, but there was no need. We were all so smashed together that no one was moving anyway. We just leaned against each other as the car continued on down the tunnel, jostling us and forcing us to get uncomfortably familiar with each others’ bodies.

An Invitation

When we finally came up for air and exited the tunnel, the dog park came into view. The same one I pass every day on my commute back and forth from downtown San Francisco. But this time, I heard an invitation. Continue reading

Why We Need to Wake Up to Injustice

For years, I’ve avoided the news. I grew up in a home where the news was on multiple times a day. There was the morning report with the all-important weather and traffic segments, the 5 o’clock broadcast which (before the days of DVR and Apple TV) took precedence over anything else you might be watching at the time, and more in-depth shows like 20/20 and 60 Minutes that revealed stories of injustice – the telltale ticking sound in the opening credits was there to tell me that I wouldn’t be watching Nickelodeon or the Disney Channel anytime soon.

As a child, the news was boring to me. As an adult, it simply saddens me. In the years that I’ve been on my own, I’ve been able to choose to not watch the news, to not read the paper, to avoid the grisly images and disheartening stories that seem to permeate this medium.

But I’m coming to realize that my choice to not watch the news and to avoid talking about politics or current events might just be New York Timesa sign that something is wrong. Perhaps, my ability to turn off the news points to an imbalance. I can shut it off because I feel like it doesn’t affect me as much. But what if the person I saw on the news was my sister, or my dad, or someone else that felt really close to me? What if the issues presented in the political arena seemed more critical to my day-to-day life?

It’s not as though I think politics aren’t important or that the news is totally irrelevant. On the contrary, I know it matters. But I’m starting to see that it should matter more to me – that I have an obligation to listen to and engage in these stories. Because these stories? They’re the narratives of people. People with souls. People with brothers and sisters and moms and dads. People created and loved by God. Continue reading