Relationships

Shine Bright Like a Diamond

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I’ve been ignoring it for months—this diamond that’s lost its sparkle. One of 12 small stones that encircle the diamond at the center of my engagement ring, this particular little diamond doesn’t shine like the others.

For a while, I assumed my ring just needed a good cleaning. Surely there was some debris or build-up caught in the setting that was preventing the light from shining through—dimming the diamond’s brilliance. But the professional cleaning only made the dull diamond stand out starkly against its radiant neighbors.

As I handed the ring back to the cleaner to have him examine the stone under his jeweler’s loupe, I knew there must be something wrong.

“Hmm,” he murmured as he rotated the ring under the light of his lamp. “Yes, the diamond is definitely chipped.”

My stomach sank. “But how?”

“See right here?” He handed the ring back to me. “I can even see it just with my own eyes. Right here.” He pointed to the spot where the diamond had chipped, just below the surface. “Diamonds are very hard substances, but sometimes if you hit them just at the right spot…”

“I can’t believe it. I’ve only had it two years.”

“It happens, and it’s more common than you’d think,” he said, clearly trying to ease the guilt I was feeling right then. “Because it’s chipped down here, the light isn’t getting through, and the diamond has lost its brilliance.”

He gave me a quote to replace the diamond and assured me he could have it back to me within a few days. I thanked him for his time and said I’d get back to him.

As I left the shop and stepped out into the light, all I could see was this diamond that wouldn’t sparkle. A diamond without its brilliance.

Some might call this pessimism. Why focus on what’s wrong? Why not just focus on the beauty of the other diamonds? But I see it as optimism. Why leave something broken when it can be repaired? Why not bring this beautiful ring back to wholeness?

This ring still brings me joy whenever it catches my eye. As a symbol of James’ love and commitment to me and a sign of our covenant, it’s a comfort to me when things feel difficult in our marriage.

As a piece of my family history—the center stone belonged to my grandmother, a remnant from a rejected suitor—this ring has new life on my hand and reminds me how God redeems our pasts.

And on top of all that, it is an undeniably beautiful ring. One worth fixing, cherishing, and protecting.

10 Truths I’m Learning in Marriage

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After our first month of marriage, I shared 6 things I’d learned in the 30 days since we said our vows, honeymooned in Mexico, packed up my house in San Francisco, and moved our lives to Los Angeles.

  1. It’s okay if things don’t feel different right away.
  2. You don’t have to do it the way everyone else does.
  3. Protect yourself and your spouse.
  4. You’re more selfish than you think.
  5. You have to shed your old skin.
  6. Marriage is for life.

Now 16 months into marriage—which feels like a minuscule amount of time compared with some of the model marriages in my life—I still stand by each of those statements. (Feel free to pause and go back to the original post if you like—see you in a few minutes!) Naturally, though, those truths have morphed a bit and become more solid for me.

It’s almost as though they were a little too faraway before, and now they’re coming closer to me—or vice versa—and I can see them more clearly. Like when you see a familiar face from faraway, someone you think you know, and as you bridge more of the distance between you, you recognize them for who they are.

That’s the first truth of marriage that I’d add to my list from above… Continue reading →

6 Things I’ve Learned In Our First Month of Marriage

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I’ve learned a few things in my first month of marriage.

I know, I know. One month hardly seems like enough time for two newlyweds to come to any major conclusions about marriage. At least, not compared to couples like my parents who are coming up on 33 years of marriage this May (so grateful for them and their beautiful example of love!).

And yet, that paradox is part of what’s struck me this month: Marriage is at once a marathon and a sprint. It’s long – thank goodness, because we’re going to need all the time we can get to strengthen and enjoy these beautiful bonds that are forming – and it’s fast – so much has changed in such a short period of time. Continue reading →

Thankful for the Thorns

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No one imagined our Thanksgiving table talk would end in tears. As we went around the table sharing what we were each thankful for, we couldn’t have anticipated my sister and I would soon be standing in the kitchen, sobbing, holding each other close.

And yet, that’s exactly how this year’s Thanksgiving meal ended. With only scraps of turkey and stuffing and lingering bits of glazed carrots and mashed potatoes left on our plates, we all went around the table sharing the things, the people, the moments we were most grateful for.

We all had similar sentiments. We were grateful for family, for each other, for the new baby sleeping peacefully by my sister’s side – my beautiful nephew. And, in some ways, we were even grateful for the pain that had brought us this beauty. We recognized that the discomfort of the unknown was also bringing us exciting new challenges and opportunities we hadn’t even discovered yet. Continue reading →

Ready or Not: Embracing the Changing Seasons

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For the past couple weeks, I’ve stepped out of my apartment onto the streets of the Inner Sunset, and it looks like fall.

Even in the midst of our heat wave – in San Francisco, where no one has A/C, 85 degrees feels sweltering – it was still clear that summer was gone and fall was coming.

It’s something about the light. The sun casts longer shadows across the ground, and the sunsets are tinged with a distinctly pink and gold hue, causing the clouds to look like great big puffs of cotton candy. One last hurrah for the season that’s behind us.

At the farmer’s market, stone fruits are slowly being replaced by apples and figs and pomegranates, and the berries have lost their peak-of-summer sweetness.

PSL’s are popping up at every coffee shop, and Trader Joe’s is well-stocked with all things pumpkin.

Fall is normally my favorite season. And yet, this year, I didn’t feel ready. I wasn’t rushing to my closet for sweaters and boots. Partly because we wear them year-round in the city, but also because I didn’t want the seasons to change. Not yet. Continue reading →

Getting Back to the Foundation

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It was far too crowded on the train today. Between the hours of 5 and 6PM, Montgomery station is a mass of people, and today was exceptionally packed. As the N pulled up to the platform, I let the flow of the crowd carry me on to the train. I didn’t really have anywhere to be. I just wanted to get home. So, I thought skinny thoughts and squeezed myself between one very tall man and a shorter woman and her oversized bag.

I couldn’t reach one of the poles to hang onto, but there was no need. We were all so smashed together that no one was moving anyway. We just leaned against each other as the car continued on down the tunnel, jostling us and forcing us to get uncomfortably familiar with each others’ bodies.

An Invitation

When we finally came up for air and exited the tunnel, the dog park came into view. The same one I pass every day on my commute back and forth from downtown San Francisco. But this time, I heard an invitation. Continue reading →

The End of the Sentence: Becoming Unstuck

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I’ve hoped to write this post for a long time. Nearly six years, to be exact. Six years of hoping and waiting and praying and searching out answers. Answers for why: why my body wasn’t doing what it should do as a woman, why my cycle had gone missing, why I was stuck in this period of waiting. And how: how to get healthy, how to get my cycle back – as though it was off exploring the world somewhere, and it was my job to figure out how to bring that wanderer back home.

The name of this blog was born out of these years of waiting. “Waiting for the end of the sentence” referred both to waiting for my cycle to return and the more significant process of learning to wait on God during this period of time and recognize his work in my life. Everything I’ve written on this blog and my book Enough has passed through that filter of learning and observing. Instead of simply asking why and how, I’ve been asking what: What is God teaching me? What does he want me to share with others as a result of what I’ve learned?

In every experience – from dating to sleeping (or rather, not sleeping) – I’ve become keenly aware that God is speaking to me and moving in me. While there were times where I felt stuck, I wasn’t stagnant. And God was moving, working, bringing things back to life.

The lessons he’s taught me, the ways in which he’s been present with me, the love he’s revealed to me…that’s the point. That’s the period at the end of the sentence. That’s what I need to share.

While my cycle has returned – prodigal daughter that she was – I know this isn’t the end of the sentence for me. The waiting doesn’t stop here. No. This is simply a comma, a dash, and ellipse. An opportunity to pause, take a beat, breath, and thank God for the healing work he’s done over the last few years.

So, without further ado, here’s how – after six years of waiting – God has healed my body and is bringing things back into alignment.

It feels like a miracle. And it is. It’s a miracle that I didn’t stay stuck in a cycle of perfectionism. It’s a miracle of small steps and big changes that have led to life. It’s a miracle of grace. Continue reading →

The Answer to All The “What If’s?”

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Today on the blog, I’m sharing a bit about my history with anxiety. Read on for more, and join me in the process of moving from perfectionism to wholeness – from anxiety to rest – by signing up here to get updates about Enough.

 

What if I pass out, and we crash?

What if I have to pull off the side of the road and have Chelsea drive?

What if she thinks I’m totally crazy for feeling so anxious right now?

These questions – among others – came barreling down on me this Tuesday as I drove with a colleague to a marketing conference in Silicon Valley.

I don’t drive often. I gave my car to my sister back in 2010 when she moved to Missouri to marry her now-husband, and I moved to San Francisco where a car is more of an inconvenience than anything else.

So, it was natural that I should feel a little uneasy driving this week. But my anxious thoughts weren’t really about the mechanics of driving. I’d rented a 2015 Volkswagen Golf – a top safety pick, since that’s the way I make decisions – for the day. The car was great, albeit a little zippy for my cautious taste, but mostly easy to maneuver.

In my mind, I knew this was a good car, and I knew I could drive it just fine. But then the “what if’s” began to take over my rational thoughts.

You might think it strange that I was so intensely worried about passing out while driving. That the fear of passing out started to send me in a panic attack on the 101 – face numb from my shallow breathing, hands white from gripping the steering wheel so tightly. I’ll explain why. Continue reading →

Forgive…But Don’t Forget?

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Friends, I’m writing a book on what I’ve learned while recovering from perfectionism. Subscribe here for sneak peeks and insider updates I only share over email. No spam. Just love.

What’s the difference between holding a grudge and being cautious in your interactions with someone who’s hurt you? Can you forgive someone but still maintain distance from them in the future? Is it possible to actually wipe the slate clean?

Conversations with my gentleman friend often progress from simple updates about our days to deep, thoughtful questions such as these. It’s one of the things I appreciate most about our relationship – we don’t shy away from the hard topics, and we’re genuinely interested in learning from each other.

Let GoBut our conversation about forgiveness the other night left me scratching my head. As I ruminated on these questions throughout the next day, I found myself wondering if there were people in my life that I hadn’t truly forgiven. Had I honestly let go of the wrongs they’d done toward me? Or was I still clinging to those injustices out of a need to justify my cold shoulder toward them? Was it okay to avoid interaction with them, or was that unloving?

Questions like these require soul searching and truth seeking, so I turned to the only solid truths I know: the Word and words. That is to say, I turned to God, and I sought to better understand the meaning behind the words I was tossing around. What is a grudge? What is forgiveness really? What does the Bible have to say about self-defense?

My searching brought me to these five insights. Continue reading →

Let the Editing Begin: Fear, Courage, and Crappy First Drafts

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I’m sharing my story about recovering from a life of performance and perfectionism. Get a sneak peek here! 

Laundry, friends, work, fear, sunshine, dirty dishes. There are a lot of reasons not to write. And they often come to the forefront of my mind when I sit down at my computer.

journal_coffeeMost of the time, the joy of writing wins out – fighting back all the other commitments with the promise of increased personal clarity and the possibility that someone might be encouraged by what I feel compelled to share.

Editing, however, does not carry that same joy. Editing is the process of cutting, stripping away, refining. Editing terrifies me.

Now that I’ve finished the first draft of my book, I feel so stuck. I know I should feel wish I felt more excited about that accomplishment. Instead, I’m scared of what’s ahead. I’m afraid that when I go back to what I wrote in June or July, I’ll think it’s complete crap. Continue reading →