Life

The Answer to All The “What If’s?”

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Today on the blog, I’m sharing a bit about my history with anxiety. Read on for more, and join me in the process of moving from perfectionism to wholeness – from anxiety to rest – by signing up here to get updates about Enough.

 

What if I pass out, and we crash?

What if I have to pull off the side of the road and have Chelsea drive?

What if she thinks I’m totally crazy for feeling so anxious right now?

These questions – among others – came barreling down on me this Tuesday as I drove with a colleague to a marketing conference in Silicon Valley.

I don’t drive often. I gave my car to my sister back in 2010 when she moved to Missouri to marry her now-husband, and I moved to San Francisco where a car is more of an inconvenience than anything else.

So, it was natural that I should feel a little uneasy driving this week. But my anxious thoughts weren’t really about the mechanics of driving. I’d rented a 2015 Volkswagen Golf – a top safety pick, since that’s the way I make decisions – for the day. The car was great, albeit a little zippy for my cautious taste, but mostly easy to maneuver.

In my mind, I knew this was a good car, and I knew I could drive it just fine. But then the “what if’s” began to take over my rational thoughts.

You might think it strange that I was so intensely worried about passing out while driving. That the fear of passing out started to send me in a panic attack on the 101 – face numb from my shallow breathing, hands white from gripping the steering wheel so tightly. I’ll explain why. Continue reading →

Finding Rest in Seasons of Stress

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Today on the blog, we’re talking about stress and how to deal with the pressure of competing priorities. Read on. And if you want more, then join me in the process of moving from perfectionism to wholeness – from stress to rest – by signing up here to get updates on the launch of my book, Enough.

Halloween is nearly upon us, which means it’s going to be Christmas tomorrow. Not really, but that’s often how this season feels, isn’t it? November through January can feel like a blur of parties and presents and competing priorities. Blink, and two whole months have suddenly passed by in a flurry!

Somehow I’ve already managed to double-book myself – not once, but three times. As a result, I’ve reneged on RSVPs, declined party invitations, and missed a dear friend’s birthday celebration. And I’ve mistakenly committed to being at a church retreat in Santa Cruz and my company’s holiday party on the same weekend in December. Yeah, that’s not going to work out so well.

As my plate gets more and more full, I feel the tug between needing to prioritize and not wanting to let anything go. There’s too much to do and yet I also feel like I’m not doing enough.

Do you know that feeling? When it’s all too much and you’re either going to cry from the sense of overwhelm or freeze from decision paralysis? When you’re operating on autopilot because it’s all you can do to just get your work done – or maybe not even that – and go home and crash at the end of the day?

Continue reading →

Whitworth Calling: On Work, Worry, and Existential Breakthroughs

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Friends, I’m writing a book on what I’ve learned while recovering from perfectionism. Subscribe here for sneak peeks and insider updates I only share over email. No spam. Just love.

Today I had the opportunity to celebrate the 125th anniversary of my alma mater, Whitworth University, at a gathering for Bay Area alumni. The group consisted of everyone from the class of 2014 to the class of 1964 and included a few of my ’08 classmates. While their faces were familiar, it was somewhat strange to realize how much time had passed and how little we knew of each other.

I’m not one for small talk, but not because I don’t like meeting new people or catching up with old acquaintances. Quite the contrary. I love talking with people; I simply avoid the “small” part of it. I believe words matter, and I take that belief into every conversation. I enjoy making people feel at ease, letting them know through my questions and my listening that I’m not just talking with them for pleasantries’ sake; I truly care. I derive such joy from transitioning an awkward conversation or stilted small talk to something of more depth – something that makes people feel comfortable.

I think that’s part of my calling – to help people learn to live more comfortably in their own skin and to recognize just how loved they are. Continue reading →

Forgive…But Don’t Forget?

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Friends, I’m writing a book on what I’ve learned while recovering from perfectionism. Subscribe here for sneak peeks and insider updates I only share over email. No spam. Just love.

What’s the difference between holding a grudge and being cautious in your interactions with someone who’s hurt you? Can you forgive someone but still maintain distance from them in the future? Is it possible to actually wipe the slate clean?

Conversations with my gentleman friend often progress from simple updates about our days to deep, thoughtful questions such as these. It’s one of the things I appreciate most about our relationship – we don’t shy away from the hard topics, and we’re genuinely interested in learning from each other.

Let GoBut our conversation about forgiveness the other night left me scratching my head. As I ruminated on these questions throughout the next day, I found myself wondering if there were people in my life that I hadn’t truly forgiven. Had I honestly let go of the wrongs they’d done toward me? Or was I still clinging to those injustices out of a need to justify my cold shoulder toward them? Was it okay to avoid interaction with them, or was that unloving?

Questions like these require soul searching and truth seeking, so I turned to the only solid truths I know: the Word and words. That is to say, I turned to God, and I sought to better understand the meaning behind the words I was tossing around. What is a grudge? What is forgiveness really? What does the Bible have to say about self-defense?

My searching brought me to these five insights. Continue reading →

Let the Editing Begin: Fear, Courage, and Crappy First Drafts

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I’m sharing my story about recovering from a life of performance and perfectionism. Get a sneak peek here! 

Laundry, friends, work, fear, sunshine, dirty dishes. There are a lot of reasons not to write. And they often come to the forefront of my mind when I sit down at my computer.

journal_coffeeMost of the time, the joy of writing wins out – fighting back all the other commitments with the promise of increased personal clarity and the possibility that someone might be encouraged by what I feel compelled to share.

Editing, however, does not carry that same joy. Editing is the process of cutting, stripping away, refining. Editing terrifies me.

Now that I’ve finished the first draft of my book, I feel so stuck. I know I should feel wish I felt more excited about that accomplishment. Instead, I’m scared of what’s ahead. I’m afraid that when I go back to what I wrote in June or July, I’ll think it’s complete crap. Continue reading →

Do the Next Thing: Thoughts on Writing, Running, and Life

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As some of you know, I’m writing a book about recovering from a life of performance and perfectionism. Subscribe here to get early access! 

Writing is a lot like running. The hardest part is often simply getting started. Before I go for a run, I sometimes pause and try to rationalize my way out of it.

Woman above the cityDo I really want to go out in the fog? Do I really want to get all sweaty? Do I really want to feel the burn in my legs and the cold in my lungs?

As I ask myself these questions, I simply do the next thing: I put on my workout clothes and lace up my shoes. I pull up the run tracker on my phone and pick my playlist (usually something poppy and upbeat to motivate me or worship music, since running is one of my favorite ways of communing with God). Before I know it, I’m out the door and on my way. Even my overly-analytical mind can’t compete with legs that are ready to run.

The process of writing is extremely similar. I love writing – just like I love running. I know it’s benefits, and I know I will love it once I start. But it’s not as romantic as it may seem. It’s not like locking yourself away in a cozy cabin or beautiful beach house, getting inspired, and letting the words pour out of you. It is an amazing, inspiring, transformative process. But like most life-altering pursuits, writing can be painful or just plain hard. It takes initiative, momentum, and a constant placing of one foot – or one word – in front of the next.

Since returning from my month-long sabbatical, keeping up the momentum of writing my book on recovering from perfectionism has certainly been difficult. The silence on this blog over the last couple weeks is evidence of that. But as my primary writing focus right now is on the book, I’m trying to prioritize that, and let the blogging come as it may. Continue reading →

Leaving a Legacy of Love: Alonzo Richardson, 1917-2015

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My grandfather was a truly amazing man and a masterful storyteller. I must get my love of stories from him, and I’m so grateful for the legacy he left during his 98 years on this earth.

Over the past couple weeks, I’d been preparing for what I would say at his memorial service yesterday. Thankfully, I had nearly 30 years of my own memories to reflect on, a treasure trove of memorabilia to inspire me, and so many stories.

Up until the very end, Grandpa refused to live anywhere aside from the home he and Grandma had lived in since 1960. “I’m going from here to heaven,” he would say. And he was right. Continue reading →

Life on the Inside: Finding the Connection We Crave

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Woman in rainHave you ever felt like you were on the outside of a group looking in? Whether you were just on the sidelines of a party or trying hard to integrate with a new group of friends, it’s easy to feel like everyone else shares a secret that you don’t know. Or like they speak a language you don’t understand.

That’s the way I felt frequently throughout my growing up years. A little shy, a little uncertain, I didn’t fit in with the louder, funnier girls with their fashionable Gap jeans and pristine white Keds. I couldn’t keep up with their jokes and their knowledge of pop culture. I didn’t know who JTT was, I didn’t watch Friends, and I didn’t listen to No Doubt – unless I snuck in some secret CD time at a friend’s house. It was hard to fit in with the “in” crowd.

While I wasn’t often the center of attention, and I didn’t have an expansive circle of friends, I had a few very good ones. And to be honest, that suited me then and still suits me now. But as an impressionable, vulnerable girl, the fear of being left on the outside shaped me.

I learned to “armor up” and earn affection by making myself who I thought people wanted me to be – the good girl that my parents would praise, the perfect student that teachers loved, the Sunday school kid with all the right answers.

That “good girl” image sustained me through high school. I built my life upon it. I found my identity in it. It helped me feel like I fit in somewhere. But I soon found a more powerful draw than being admired for being good – the thrill of guys’ attention. Continue reading →

What Are Your Cravings Telling You?

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If I didn’t have writing, I think I’d weigh a thousand pounds. Rather than eating my feelings all the time – which, let’s be honest, I still sometimes do – writing is a much healthier environment for processing my thoughts and emotions than a bag of sweet potato chips or a bar of dark chocolate.

When the craving to snack strikes, that typically means I need to write. If I’m not hungry but I’m salivating over salted almonds, there’s probably something behind that.

If I want to pour myself a glass of bourbon, first I need to pause to appraise my feelings. In my more clear-headed moments, I ask myself:

  1. Why do I want it? 
  2. Should I write or go for a walk or do anything else instead?

(If you’re wondering, the answers to those questions are usually “because it tastes good and I like it and maybe I just want to soften the edges this hard day a bit.” And “yes, I should probably do any of those things before sitting down with a glass of bourbon – alone.”)Ginger lemon tea

Bourbon in good company is great. Bourbon alone requires discernment.

I don’t just ignore my cravings, though. That rarely works. If I try to stuff them in a drawer, they become like little gremlins, banging and shouting to be let out. They make a mess. In my mind, in my heart. It’s not pretty. And usually, I just end up frustrated and caving in and having that handful of almonds or that third cookie that I don’t really need but just want for the crunch. Continue reading →